This is going to be my first Mothers day. Becoming a mother was a 5 year struggle and well worth the wait for my beautiful 10 month old boy. Every day is a blessing and truth be told our son is awesome. Not saying he doesn't have his share of crying but it isn't every day and it is generally only a sign that he is tired or hungry. He is well behaved for a 10 month old, hits his milestones, and is quite the little boy. His smile melts my heart, his laugh sings in my ears and when he kisses me it makes me forget everything bad. Motherhood is all that I dreamt it would be and more. I embrace the nights of breast feeding him every 1-2 hours as they won't last long. I cherish the cuddles and sleeping with me as those too are going to pass. The only part of motherhood that I do not look forward to is returning to work and not being with my son for those hours.
I am a mom three times over. I may only have two babes to snuggle and hold, but I love them all. We have a energetic and charismatic four year old boy, and a cute, chubby nine month old girl who loves to snuggle up close. But we never forget our angel baby.
In between the two we have with us, we miscarried. Such a sensitive topic, people never really know what to say or do when it happens to you. And it doesn't matter how far along you were. Whether it was four weeks, twenty six weeks – or in our case, fourteen… It's a pain that tears at your hearts. Some women even have the additional hurt of having to deliver their baby during their miscarriage, deliver a still born, or have their babe pass on shortly after delivery. No matter the loss, it hurts. Just plain hurts. And I feel for every one of those moms and dads.
So for us, it was fourteen weeks of attachment and excitement. Naturally. We don't need to go over the details, but it ended up being one of the most drawn out and emotionally straining times in our life. Our son turned two, and I ended up having not one but TWO acts of miscarriage. Talk about stress. But during that whole time, I have never known more love and support than from those other moms who came along side me and said simply "I'm here for you", or "If you need anything…". Motherhood isn't always about the big and little things. It isn't about what we do or don't do, whether or not we make all our own baby food, or have a really tough day and let the kids stay in front of the television so you can sleep. To me during those moments of frailty and sadness, motherhood was a community. Moms helping and loving on other moms. So thank you to each of you who said or did something, those who said a prayer, and those who wanted to do something but never knew how to do it.
And here we are today. I have three babies to love on. I think of them often and hold them all dear to my heart. And while I won't get to make memories with my angel baby, I have many to store up in my heart to share from my kiddos. Like, how when you have a boy NO ONE tells you the antics they get up to or the things they say as the grow up. I love all my children. And I love being a mom.
Looking at my boys today you would never know they had such rough starts in life. I suffered with IUGR (Inter Uterine Growth Restrictions) during both pregnancies. I had to be monitored with non-stress tests every other day in the third trimesters.
My oldest was born at term, weighing in at just over 5lbs. We were sent home the next day with what we thought was a healthy, but small baby boy. It didn't stay that way for long. Around 4 weeks he started being unable to hold anything down. Health Link and Walk in Clinics diagnosed him with Reflux and told us to try thickened formula. At 10 weeks I finally got in to see my family doctor, she was immediately very concerned. and sent us to the on call pediatrician, we were admitted to our local hospital.
The next day we were loaded in an ambulance, headed to Childrens Hospital for emergency surgery. It turned out he had a Pyloric Stenosis. The muscles at the bottom of his stomach were oversized, not allowing food to pass through. He spent 3 days on IV fluids just to be strong enough to withstand surgery. Because of the severity of his condition, we spent 2 nights in the PICU after surgery. Six days later we were headed home with a healthy 6lb baby.
The birth of my second is a whole other terrifying story. I dropped my oldest off with my SIL to go in for a non-stress test with a bad feeling in my gut. It was discovered that I had very high blood pressure and I was immediately admitted to hospital – I was 35 weeks. Sent for an emergency ultrasound it was discovered that the cord blood was flowing very slowly. I was scheduled to be induced the next day. Within an hour I could hear my family doctor consulting with an obstetrician. They came rushing into my room and told me there was a change of plans, we were inducing NOW. The cord blood had stopped flowing. Three hours later I was holding my baby weighing just over 3lbs.
We spent 15 days in the NICU. He was a fighter, he never had breathing issues, fought the NG tube, and within 8 days he was feeding solely by bottle. The NICU was really tough. I felt like I needed to be with him, but I also had a 19 month old at home who needed me.The day we brought him home was one of my happiest.
This Mothers Day I am celebrating being a mom to two beautiful boys. I couldn't ask for anything more.
To be honest I had given up hope of ever becoming a mom. I married a man who had decided he was done having children after having 2 of his own and raising another. When he brought up having his surgery reversed I knew I had found the man for me. 2 year wait and $5000 later (and only a 33% chance of success) we were on our way to starting our family. I had visions of becoming pregnant right away. When 2 years had passed with no success even though we were assured his surgery was successful I was heart broken. I was sent to see 2 different fertility specialist and had numerous test done. Diagnosis….."You are just one of those couples that have trouble". We were given a 1% chance of naturally conceiving. I was heartbroken. That was January 2012. The doctor sent me away with information on doing IUI (Intra Uterine Injection) and the prescription for the medications to do that. I put it on my fridge and looked at it ever month. For some reason I never filled that prescription. I couldn't wrap my brain around not being surprised finding out I was pregnant, I wanted that.
Fast forward to August 2012 and I got my surprise. I was pregnant! We were so excited. My dreams were coming true. Until I got a call September long weekend, my Dad was diagnosed with inoperatable brain cancer and given 8 weeks to live. My baby wasn't going to meet the most influential man in my life, my hero. I was devastated. I tried to believe that the doctors were wrong and Dad would hold on until my child was born. I was wrong and my dad concede his battle with cancer November 27/2012. My world fell apart. My pregnancy and my amazing husband is what held me together. I had to take care of me because it wasn't just about me anymore.
The rest of my pregnancy was fairly unremarkable. Except that I was HUGE!
March 28, 2013 (Ironically on his Dads birthday) Rhys Don-Parkyn Fabrizius came into this world. His middle name is my Dad's name. My husband chose it. That little man is the light of my life. I always laughed at Moms who would tell me "You will understand when you have your own." They were right. I do I get it. I love that little man more than I ever imagined possible. I see my Dad every time I look into the same bright eyes, and I know my Dad is so proud of us. And I will raise this little man to be a man my Dad will continue to be proud of.
This is my second Mother's Day, and I will be celebrating life. Rhys's and my Dads. One man who made me who I became and another that will shape who I become in ways I never imagined possible.